(Not) The Best of the Best
A testimony shared during Ateneo De Manila University’s Reception for the Director’s List Scholars of SY 2019–2020
January 12, 2013, 8:15 AM. On my way to the Blue Eagle Gym, I grasped my phone while anxiously waiting for a call or text from anyone. It was already fifteen minutes past eight. The list would have already been unveiled to the public. But there was no text. No call. No congratulations.
8:30 AM. My car finally reached the gate. The noise coming from the crowd’s cheers, laughter, and tears grew louder as I walked closer to BEG. What was just a two-minute walk in reality turned into countless minutes of worries and mixed emotions.
Then, everything froze. I finally reached it — the glorious blue tarp hanging by the facade of the Blue Eagle Gym. The Best of the Best revealed to the world as heads looked up to read the names of forty students whose lives have just been changed in a single moment. While everyone else was hurrying towards the rolling boards below, concerned with whether they passed the ACET or not, my prideful self stood still and looked up to check whether I belonged to the Best of the Best.
Ang ganda pakinggan, ‘no? Best of the Best.
The list was in alphabetical order so my eyes rapidly shifted its focus towards the right side of the tarp. Not one, not two, not three, but four of my high school friends were already up there, but where was I? I gave it another look. Double-checked, triple-checked everything. Sevidal, Sinco, Sy, and then Tan. My surname was not there. I was not a Merit Scholar.
Choosing Ateneo remains to be one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made. The day the ACET results were released broke me in ways I never expected. Instead of being filled with joy and gratitude for the gift of the Director’s List scholarship, my heart was overcome with so much self-doubt and disappointment. It was a giant slap to my ego back then, expecting to be a merit scholar, and it didn’t help that I was the only one among our high school batch’s top students who wasn’t part of that list. It became difficult to have a good night’s sleep when I was haunted by questions I asked myself every night: Where did I go wrong? Was the effort I gave not enough? Gano’n ba talaga ako kahina sa Math? Am I not enough?
Things didn’t get better especially when the people I expected to support me the most just made me doubt myself even more. Everyone in my family, as well as extended relatives and high school teachers, wanted me to go to a different university. Though, I completely understood where they were coming from. In DLSU, I was a candidate for both the Star Scholarship and the Gokongwei Scholarship, and in UP, I was an Oblation Scholar. It seemed like an obvious choice:
Why go to Ateneo when I can enjoy 100% scholarship and full bragging rights for obtaining the most prestigious scholarship in another university, right?
But somehow, in a way until now I cannot explain, I knew in my heart that choosing a different school would have left me with deeper regret. Every time I browsed Ateneo’s brochure, or fetched my sister in Leong Hall, or remembered my experience in OD on Overdrive and AJSS, I felt a tingling sensation, an excitement within me. Strange as it may sound, naramdaman kong tinatawag ako ng Ateneo.
So, I answered. I took a risk, a leap of faith towards a decision that I was certain would disappoint many people but would make me feel more peaceful. A decision that called me to set my broken ego aside and open myself up to the many learnings and surprises life would bring me. Now, here I am standing before you at the beautiful Hyundai Hall, telling you my story as a proud alumnus of my second home I call Ateneo.
Contrary to the notion that your first year in college would be the easiest, freshman year for me was the most difficult. There was too much pressure, which after some time I realized was pressure I put on myself.
Back in high school, I was used to always being “up there”, but here in Ateneo, everyone is outstanding. Ang gagaling ng lahat! I was surrounded by top students from different schools all over the country. It was difficult at first, mostly because I kept on comparing myself to others: a classmate getting a higher score, a friend being more active in an organization, or a blockmate having an easier time adjusting to the college environment as I struggled to talk to strangers. My high school competitiveness was coming back! But in order to learn, I had to see things differently.
Freshman year was when I failed my first college test, got reprimanded for doing a mediocre job in a project, and went through so many awkward conversations with different people. I realized that I had to look at all these things as challenges for me to do better, to become better. So I pushed myself to learn, adapt, welcome, and embrace the many changes that I encountered and simply be open to experiencing new things.
Coming from a relatively conservative Christian high school had its own challenges, too. I was not used to meeting so many people all at once and I lived in constant fear that I might not belong to the general crowd of “cool” Ateneans. I was a recipient of baseless warnings told by my titas and titos of Manila that I had to be extra careful and firm with my life principles because Ateneo had philosophy classes that would convert me.
Looking back, I guess they were partly true. Ateneo will not convert you, but it will definitely push you and challenge you every day to make your own choices — choices that will transform you towards becoming a better version of yourself for others — and that is the beauty of Ateneo’s core curriculum. My Philosophy and Theology classes never weakened my faith. Instead, they paved the way for me in choosing to live by a deeper spirituality grounded in God’s unconditional love.
But don’t get me wrong. These things will not simply happen to you. You have to constantly be able to open yourself up to growth and deepening, so I learned to move out of my comfort zone and grab opportunities Ateneo offered to develop myself and my understanding of the world.
In my sophomore year, I was able to participate in the Global Leadership Program (GLP) for Five Jesuit Universities in East Asia. During GLP, I was able to visit the maximum-security compound of the New Bilibid Prison in Muntinlupa and have a glimpse of the realities the kuyas in Bilibid faced. Beyond the portrayals of violence and poor cell conditions in our media, there exists a community of hardworking Filipinos who strive every day to provide for their families outside despite being away from them.
In the same year, through Ateneo Psyche, I was also able to visit the National Center for Mental Health in Mandaluyong and meet the kuyas of Pavilion 34. The stigma attached to persons with psychological disorders neglects the fact that these people need support, not fear nor discrimination from us. The kuyas of NCMH are people just like us with unique stories to tell.
The photo above shows two artworks drawn by Kuya Robert during one of our visits. Kuya Robert has schizophrenia. When asked to draw something that made him happy, he drew his house back in the province and himself playing under the giant tree with his grandmother and other family members. All Kuya Robert wanted was to be reunited with his family.
In my senior year, for my thesis, I was privileged to listen to the stories of six Muslim women activists and their struggle to fight for a just and peaceful society. These six strong and inspiring women are living testaments to the reality that your gender and religion are not barriers, and that we should be able to work together as partners to create positive change.
On a lighter note, I was also able to explore and do things I never expected I’d able to do. Because of the 4-month summer break that the academic calendar shift brought, as part of Ateneo’s Summer Term Abroad program, I was able to spend two months at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology (HKUST) as an exchange student. My 53 days there were the best 53 days of my student life. I learned so many things about different cultures and gained new friends from all over the world which also helped develop my communication and survival skills. It was during those days that I learned how to enjoy the little things in life and simply live in the moment.
Another thing that I got to really enjoy was all the dancing. Yes, dancing. Aside from those that I had to do as a clueless freshman during my Freshman Orientation Seminar or OrSem, I was able to join an annual inter-organization dance competition organized by the Company of Ateneo Dancers. For four consecutive years, every 1st semester, I took a risk and trained with the CODE Dance Troupe almost every night. I would go home exhausted and anxious about the work that I had to catch up on, but for some reason, it was always worth it.
Meron kasing pagod na nakakaubos, pero meron ding pagod na nakakapuno — ‘yung tipong gaganahan ka pa magtrabaho pagkatapos.
It was life-giving, and ironically, the semester in which I would join the competition was always the semester I got a higher QPI. To top it all off, in my fourth and final competition, I was awarded the recognition that I was proudest of: the Hottest Male Dancer of the night. Life really surprises you in many ways.
All this openness to different experiences, however, is useless when not used to take action. Beyond the classroom, what impacted me the most was being part of student organizations. I became the coordinating head of one of my orgs, the Ateneo Consultants for Organization Development and Empowerment (CODE), an organization that empowers youth organizations by training servant leaders and developing programs that spark leadership among young Filipinos.
Through CODE, I was able to work with several organizations, public and private schools, government and non-government organizations, including the National Youth Commission, in equipping fellow youth leaders with the necessary competences to create positive, meaningful change in society. I was able to listen to stories of different youth leaders who, at a very young age, have already done so much.
In involving myself with this line of work, I met Jaybee and Jorjani, two student leaders whose difficult pasts only drove them to strive harder and fight for a better Philippines. The best part about it is that they are only two of the millions of young Filipinos who continue to show that the youth are and will always be worth investing in.
Today, I continue to advocate for youth leadership development as a Student Affairs Professional at the Loyola Schools Office of Student Activities. Together with my OSA family, I help student leaders develop their organizations towards creating more productive and more meaningful efforts that build the nation through mentorship and organizing leadership programs. #PartnersInFormation
To those who are unsure of what they want to do after college, do consider working for the education sector. Schools and universities need more young people like you. It will be worth it.
Dearest Director’s List Scholars,
To be able to study in Ateneo is a beautiful gift, and to be part of the Director’s List is an outstanding accomplishment. Be grateful for this gift and be excited about what’s in store for you. Should you need greater financial assistance, the Office of Admission and Aid will surely be there to help you. I will always cherish the time I had and still have with my OAA family.
Until now, I still look back to the day I chose Ateneo. Though I’ll never be able to clearly explain why I did so, what I’m sure of is that throughout my four years in Ateneo, I was constantly challenged: to actively listen to stories, to reimagine what society is and can still be, and to always choose the more loving option. Never in my four years did I regret choosing Ateneo.
When you go to Ateneo, I hope that you develop a deep sense of openness — an openness that will allow you to hear the call to growth and transformation, to be broken and made more whole, to mercy and compassion, and an openness that will spark courage in you to answer this call which in turn will allow you to impact and transform those around you.
But for now, sana mapakinggan n’yo rin ‘yung tawag ng Ateneo. Sagutin n’yo! It is my hope that you’ll be able to open yourself to answering the call to being transformed by the Ateneo, that you may choose to live a life transforming others as well.
Congratulations, Director’s List Scholars!